The Critical Empowering Question For Parents
All parents know that their children are copy-cats. In reality, they emulate so frequently, and so skillfully, that they are effectively “copying machines”. They imitate what you say, how you pronounce it, and in what contexts you say it. They mimic the manner by which you move, how you behave, how you respond to events, how you treat other people, and almost everything else you do.
But we also appreciate that at times, we plan to teach them something, and they learn something different. As an example, you’re trying to teach your child about gardening and how fun it is to nurture plants, but they discover how to run a mile when they notice a maggot or a spider, creating a new enduring phobia (or plain “severe disgust”).
The snag is of course that children learn at an unparalleled speed. They simply don’t always learn that which you desire them to learn. And it’s even worse because sometimes you don’t appreciate (or don’t even consider) what you need your child to learn.
But deciding what you need your child to learn is not foremost when you’re sitting together with your daughter attempting to teach them something. Well, it is vital, but it’s obviously at the forefront of your attention. The important times are when you are not attempting to explicitly teach your child something, but they are going to learn something anyway. It’s at these times that you truly need to be receptive to what your child is learning.
For example, if you and your partner are in conflict about something, and either of you swears and runs off rather than managing the arguement reasonably and justly, what will your child learn? Well, the first thing they’ll learn is a new word, one that you don’t want them speaking in public! The second thing they’re prone to learn is: “when in a quarrel, run off rather than dealing with it.” Or something similar to that, at any rate.
So knowing that your son is going to learn a little something in EVERY situation they are in is essential. Choosing up front what you’d like them to learn is something different. And that’s why the most critical empowering question for parents is: what do I want my child to learn from this?
If you can maintain a question like this in your mind as much as possible, and above all where you are hugely emotional or reacting from routine, you’ll start to have a tremendous ability to have some bearing on your child even more than you do previously. You’ll be able to show them more of how you want them to behave, in a way that’s more like you on top form, instead of you at your most horrible. You’ll be able to congruently say “do what I do AND what I say”, without distressing so much about your words and behaviour being aligned. You’ll be capable of telling your child as they grow up why you behave the way you do, realising that they’ll by now have had years of seeing you act consistent with your ideals and principles.
But… you will only be successful in doing this if you have a critical attitude that parents need to possess, something that makes this empowering question useful. Without help, the question is beneficial, but it’s not the only thing you need to have.
Read part 2 of this article to find out what that mindset is…
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